i just realized something. i can't talk or write as fast as i'm thinking. i'm thinking so fast it hurts and my head is rushing forward with the progression of thought and i need to remember everything about tonight so in the aftermath this important sort of milestone will be recorded so i can at least see what i might have done wrong. or what to avoid. every experience is a learning opportunity.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry i don't rush up to you everytime i see you i don't feel welcome and you told me i should sure as hell feel welcome and you were in such a beautiful state of mind and i envy you for your superior communication skills. i never thought of myself to have less than communication skills, i thought i was very communicative, but you have proved to me there is a higher level within the "thought reserved" type. i admire you. i'm glad i talked to you so long, the conversation as seemed so dry and i appreciate you taking the time of the people swarming around little cups of liquid like slime and fat lines of white bitch and all that fucking shit to take the time to talk to me, even if we weren't in sober state of minds. you said to me, or what i gathered from something you said was, why doesn't this type of thing happen when we're sober? and i feel you, i've been thinking the same thing and i think its because you and i connect when i feel free, just as free as you feel. and sometimes i only feel totally free, inhibitioned, taking the shame out of what society has taught me to be ashamed of, is when i'm highstonedrippedbakedblowntrippedg-ed.

sometimes i feel like a prisoner of circumstance, like you're a hovering hawk and i know i'm a mouse knowing that its dinner subconciously, but my animal nature makes me naive enough to hang around and make sure you're fed.

thats it exactly though. thats it. right there. i love it when i feel metaphors to the deepest of what i understand to be reality. my chest is beating so fast. my head is swarming with beautiful flies...they want to feast on my brain like rats in world war two, and i'll let them as soon as i stop thinking this fast.

oh my god.

i feel so heavy and so light and so free and above it all. i feel like dancing with myself in the streets for hours to a song nobody but my dendrites can hear...oh god the feeling. the feeling of a song stuck in your head. utter submission to melody, to vibration, to the wind on the nape of your neck.

paul, i'm a passionate girl. no matter how hard i try to become free of this passion and intense love i feel for all those around me, even those that have rubbed me wrong, i appreciate them for bringing in that difference to help me realize how much i love the people that don't rub me the way some do. all i can do is thank them for providing that diversity, because whatever people say and whatever i say from now on about peace being a reality, its impossible. karma and the intrinsic cycle of love/hate, black/white, yin/yang is what the entire universe is based on. peace is made up in the minds of people, and for there to be pure peace in any given situation, you have to let go of what alienates you from those you're surrounded with.

you have to just let it go, just let it go, its vital. its so hard to, but to realize perfect peace and harmony with another soul, you need to iniate and extend that offering, and by god who would refuse. its such a relief to the soul to achieve peace. and even those you love and butt heads with regardless, its a perfect price for perfect peace. total contentment with another soul is priceless and the only thing truly intangible in this world. all that other shit is made up.

i can't handle writing this because every word is opening a new door of thought for me and i wish i was talking like this to you right now, like we were, open hearts and minds and the unity of our swaying bodies rocking us into a lull of trust and dignity.

i can't handle writing this (this is what i originally intended to write) because i'm tempted to send you every word, every period, every made up convention that you learned as soon as you were within the womb, to communicate this in such a deeper manner (ex. talking, the vibrations associated with talking, your breathe against my neck sending smoke signals to register with the windbraille i don't know) would be so satisfying.

we were there. we finally got there. and now so many songs are relevant. i can't handle this euphoria associated with JUST BEING HERE and fucking ENJOYING EVERY GODDAMN HOUR MINUTE SECOND AND MOMENT OF SUFFERING, PAIN, RESPECT, LOVE, PASSION, HEARTBREAK, DISAPOINTMENT. all that shit you're suppose to feel because you're A FUCKING HUMAN. it feels so good.

i am so alive. and i mean that in the sense that every cell in my body is vibrating at different speeds, afterall i could be a liquid if they would just pep it up a bit. fuck i could be a gas! whats that about.

i'm learning a lot from the best friend of tim leary, dr. alpert i believe, about reality and how reality is truly IN THE MIND OF YOURS.

make it whatever you want. anything you fucking want. change your reality. you have every right.

lyrics replace too many of my thoughts
and i keep replaying what you said in my head. like they do in movies, where your head will just float around my face and remind me of what i can't have. you've known this from the beginning, and never clued me in, on what i was to you. you almost played me for a fool, but i was a fool that had the capacity to wisen up in time. i'm sorry if i wasted your time, telling me it wasn't worth it as a joke wasn't funny though.

i just wish you had clued in me in a little bit earlier. girls get attached, not just to anybody, but when they do, a woman has no choice but to love. send out love, thats what her hormones tell her. thats what they tell her when you're fucking her in the back seat of somebody else's car, wishing that life wasn't the way it was, back seats of cars and all.

i can admit that the passionate woman in me makes me weak to you. its all about opening and closing those doors though.

i thought you really cared for me. but now that conversation is over, you just may, i'd like to know, but i can't ask. its too late. i don't want to know.i wish you'd never hurt me, or half heartedly tried to, if you had. seemed like you did. seemed like you wanted to make a point about the man you were, what you've been through.

allison hurt you bad, jess hurt me bad. everybody hurts everybody else really bad. relationships are wrong, you just gotta live, i've known this from the beginning and i've only relearned this lesson yet again. take it easy, take it slow, don't fall too fast, don't get too low. its all good right? i'm sorry she hurt you and made it impossible for you to enjoy me to my fullest extent, but which i mean, experience all the love i have to give. i'm full of boundless endless love for all of those around me, and its sad you can't experience it as much as the others. even though they've all been burnt just as much as you have.

i know you don't say a whole lot, you don't have to tell me, ha.. but i love the look in your eyes when i catch you staring my way, curiousity lingering in the air clinging onto the water vapor and making little clouds that settle like fog around my knees.

i'm sorry if i scared you. this is my last letter regarding you, unless one of us undergoes a complete character change. paul you were worth the time, but you weren't worth the energy, and i just gotta keep on going. i have to go take a bubble bath and reminisce in my girl way about the memories we've made together and drink to the perfectly healthy amount of sorrow that hangs in my gut

and i believe that everytime you end a relationship with someone, it calls for a drunk night alone in solitude, re examining your drunken character and feeling powerful when you stand in front of the mirror. but that won't happen tonight, i've already gotten drunk two nights in a row because of you. and you've made a bad enemy out of my liver, by the way.

just feel it. it won't hurt that bad if you feel it. the longer you leave a bandaid on the harder it is to tear off. i'm going to let the air dry my wounds.

and then i'm going to realize
that i am an amazon warrior
not just some sniveling girl.

everytime you're ready you follow my face
and reach into my pockets
you trace my figure
realize i always have cold hands
but easily warmed

and how come my life just doesn't seem to fit words that go on and stop with a period.
if i don't break this up
and translate for you
my warmth
through line
after line
it doesn't make sense
with
periods and commas.

mike might have aborted that baby
that might be there
when he said
devil be gone \

this doesn't make sense
when its not in verse
so fuck you
fuck you when you leave
fuck you when you go
can you kiss me yet?
whats that
just go

you can always just go.

trampling plants, taking what i thought to be
nodirectioninparticular
paul says girls aren't good with directions
and i can't help but agree
but i don't understand it
don't you just get mixed up in the world sometimes?

bre can dance on the logs
up in the air
and when i look up
all i see is her bright blonde hair
against the matted forest canopy

it took us forever to get here
and it takes us forever to get back.

and this day turned out rather nice
the weather was bad this morning

its getting darker now
and parry road is warm
and the spring trickles down endlessly
i hear the rumbles of a storm

and you lay on top of me
on that soaked wood bin
and asked me if i really liked
the sweater i was in

you can always wash it
wouldn't it be nice
maybe if it were later
lets go for a drive

your face hits me head on
it always does
and then i trust you
more than i thought i would trust someone

think about it though
what is trust

i ripped my pants
my hair is oily but it feels so good
to trample the wild prairie once again
and play your games
and examine those almost mature superweeds.

i think i'll send jenna a poster out of high times.

you said are you walking?
and i said, no i'm going home
and you turned up the radio
i ain't gonna let you go alone

i kind of needed some socks
thanks for the shower
did you bring a stray cat in from the street again?
is she here only to take a shower?

maybe nap a little too
she needs a little food.

maybe i perfumized your shirt
right before i left
and forgetting a necklace on the table
which i'd never really forget
that shirt i wore so shamelessly

and its finally getting sunny, out there out west!
my stone cold face
is melted
when you come sail away with me
come sail away come sail away
take my hand and throw ours into the sky
come sail away

this is what it is.

my fingertips are stained
theres writing on my hand
i don't know what it says
floating dollar bills confuse the feng shui in my bag
and the everpresent stale chainsmoker smell
clings and lingers in my hair

you make me feel so warm
walking on the wet grove, its a cold beautiful night
and where the sun is still shining, its quite warm
and a sign says there are aggressive weeds
ruining the prairie

but even with my scarf

and my flannel
i never feel as warm, in the sun, or wrapped up in wet woollen blankets
as i do
when you're hiking this trail
with me.